My partner and I are separating. What’s next?
The decision to separate is never an easy one. You went into the relationship expecting it to last. You may have children. You may have bought a house together. But, at some point, you realised that the relationship could not continue.
Everyone who comes to the end of a relationship has a unique story. Sometimes separation is the best decision you can make. Sometimes it’s the only option. Sometimes it happens because of someone else’s decision. The one thing that is always true is that separation is a huge change in your life and adjusting to it can be very hard.
If you decided to leave, you may feel a mix of emotions, including relief, excitement, doubt and guilt all at once. If the separation was not your idea, you may experience shock, surprise, resentment, anger or any combination of a hundred other emotions.
In the middle of this huge upheaval, you somehow have to work out what arrangements to put in place for your children and how to divide up the assets that you and your partner own together. It is a very difficult task and it may take some time to sort everything out.
It will never be easy, but there are a few things that might help you to get through this challenging time.
It will be very important to look after your mental and emotional health. You will need support from the people in your life, whether they are friends or family. You might also need more support than your current network can provide. There are many organisations that provide counselling for people who are going through separation. If you need help to find a counsellor, you can contact the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321.
Your children may also need this type of support. It will be important to liaise with their schools and any other support networks throughout the separation, and to seek additional supports for them if they are struggling to adjust to the changes that separation has brought to their lives.
You may not be ready to think about long term arrangements for your children, or how to divide up your assets, immediately. It is best to carefully consider what is best for you and your children before negotiating an agreement.
My job is to help couples and families to navigate these challenges and get to a point where it becomes easier to move forward. The Family Dispute Resolution process can be a useful tool for helping you and your partner to reach an agreement, but how do you know whether the time is right for engaging in that process, and how can you prepare for it? Here’s a few things that may help you with that.
1. Make a list of what your children will need to continue to thrive despite the change in their living situation. Often, that list will include:
a. A stable living situation
b. An ongoing relationship with both parents, and with their siblings
c. Continuity in their education
d. Access to their current support systems, including relatives, friend groups, sporting clubs, any religious organisations or other community groups they are a part of.
e. Additional supports, such as school counsellors, doctors, psychologists or anyone else who can help them to process the changes in their lives and the feelings that may come along with that
2. Work out how it might be possible to achieve those goals
3. Be prepared for the possibility that your partner may have a different idea for how to achieve those things, and be prepared to consider whether your partner’s suggestions might also be a way of achieving your common goals
4. Speak to a lawyer to get advice on what might happen if you and your partner can’t reach an agreement. It will be helpful to know what the alternatives are. If you can’t reach an agreement, you might need to take the dispute to Court. Before you make that choice, it would be helpful to know what a Court might decide, how long it will take before a Court makes a decision, and how much it might cost to go through the process.
5. Make a list of all of the assets owned by you, by your partner, or by the two of you together. This might include houses and other properties, cars, bank accounts, any shares and investments, jewellery, and even items of furniture if those are particularly important to you.
6. Don’t forget to include superannuation. It may not seem important yet, but it has to be a part of your long term plans.
7. Work out what each asset is worth. For major assets, such as real estate, consider whether you need to arrange a valuation. For things like bank accounts and superannuation, make sure you have statements showing the current values.
8. Make a list of all debts and liabilities. This might include mortgages personal loans, credit cards, and tax liabilities. Make sure you have statements showing what is owed.
9. Think about what you will need moving forward, including where you will live, what you will do for work, whether you might need to retrain or update your qualifications, and how your work can be consistent with spending time with your children.
10. Speak to your accountant about your financial position if you are unsure of what things might be worth or whether there are any tax liabilities that you need to know about. For example, if you have an investment property that has been rented out, there might be Capital Gains Tax to consider.
11. Speak to a lawyer about how a Court might divide the property up if you and your partner cannot reach an agreement, and how much of the property might be left after legal fees have been paid.
Once you understand the position, your goals, and how best to get there, and once you’re ready to start discussing these things, then it’s time to look for a family dispute resolution practitioner. Your lawyer might be able to recommend someone they have worked with before, or someone who has a good reputation in this field. If you’re reading this, then I need to say that I hope you will consider contacting me to find out if I might be the right person to help you and your partner reach an agreement.
When speaking to the FDRP, think about whether they seem like a good listener, who will approach your situation with empathy, ask good questions, and help you and your partner to get to an agreement that you can both be satisfied with. If you do not feel comfortable with the FDRP you are speaking to, it’s better to start again with someone else than to go through this process with someone you do not feel comfortable with.
You will probably haver a lot of questions at a time like this. If any of those questions are about how the dispute resolution process works or how to get the most out of the process, you can ring me for a free initial chat at any time on 0417 017 053.